Canaan's Lament
by Aina Song
Summary: One Realian's struggle to identify himself, and an archangel's attempt to enlighten his twin to a brighter path.


**Title:** Canaan's Lament

**By:** Aina Song

**Fandom(s):** Xenosaga III

**Genre:** Soft Yaoi

**Rating:** PG

**Warning(s):** Language; Direct Quotes; Spoilers; Altered Scenes

**Pairing(s):** chaos + Canaan

**Reviews:** Yes, please.

**Author's Note:** Standard Disclaimer. This story was not written for money.

**Teaser: **A Realian's struggle to identify himself, and a young archangel's quest to illuminate his brother to a brighter path.

They had just escaped the ruin and devastation aboard the Durandal, the Elsa flying fast and furious toward their new goal. The disc that Canaan had obtained from Doctus proved quite invaluable - nothing short of ingenious, if one were to ask the communications officer Hammer. They had managed the short-jump with little difficulty, Tony' piloting skills helping the Elsa to avoid any obstacles until they had found somewhere safe to land.

The time had come to confront Jr.'s maniacal father. Yet, while everyone else prepared, one silver-haired youth could not help but notice that someone was missing. chaos left the cockpit and took an elevator down to the hangar. Briefly returning the greetings of the three mechanics that Captain Matthews had picked up some time ago, he calmly walked toward the massive E.S. suits. His instinct had not left him disappointed.

"Canaan," he softly greeted, quietly coming closer. "We have to move out right away." When the stoic Realian did not immediately respond, he wondered, "What is it? Are you checking something out?"

Standing upon a mechanical lift, which remained hovering mere inches over the floor, the taller man did not turn his stark yellow eyes from the E.S. Asher as he answered the other's question with one of his own. "chaos. Have you ever wondered why you exist?"

Though the question might have taken anyone else by surprise, the silver-haired engineer sighed as though expecting it. "One's reason for existing. That's a difficult question." He pondered a moment, but answered with cautious honesty. "I'd like to think it's for the people I care about, for everyone, but my existence doesn't necessarily mean people will be happy."

"Yes," Canaan accepted, lowering his head. "Sometimes just existing can hurt others." Turning slightly to gaze over his shoulder, he softly accused, "chaos. You know, don't you? That I am such an existence."

The other's translucent blue eyes widened. "You remember?"

"Yes. With the information on Program Canaan, and all this data…" He clenched his teeth, nearly growling, "There's no way I wouldn't remember."

chaos hesitantly stepped closer to the lift. "Codename 'Lactis'."

"Yes," Canaan said again, finally turning around. "That's my reason for existence."

"But you didn't desire that," he softly protested. "It's not by your own will. You're not responsible."

But the stoic Realian only shook his head, refusing the comfort. "Even if it's all happening in my subconscious, it's still my responsibility. I was created for that purpose." He lifted a hand to his chest, "To reject Program Canaan is to reject my own existence."

The silver-haired youth took a deep breath, sensing the hurt shadowing the other's stark yellow eyes. He knew what was to come for his former comrade, and he knew much regret that it would come to be. But, unlike his twin, chaos would not take that choice away from him. "You could hide who you are and continue to live." He sighed, "But that's not the answer you seek, is it?"

"Correct," Canaan nodded, seeming both heartened and saddened that chaos so swiftly understood. "I cannot deny myself. I am a Realian. The only one who can give me a reason to exist is the one who created me." Deeper hurt flashed in his eyes, as he added, "chaos… if only that had been you." Lowering his head and tearing his gaze away, he whispered, "What should I do now?"

The silver-haired youth bit at his lip. "Canaan…"

~o~

It was some while before chaos could find Canaan alone once more. It was all becoming unraveled, as he knew it would. They had followed after Dmitri Yuriev and confronted him, which led to the sacrifice of Gaignun Kukai, formerly known as Nigredo. It was also what had finally reunited Albedo with Jr., his "hopeless but most beloved other half." But there had been no time to rest, for soon they would have to track down Abel and the Zohar. With only a whispered lead to go on, the Elsa crash-landed on the near-dead planet known as Michtam.

Captain Mathews was now asking whether they should wait, but Jr. was determined to see their mission to its end. He gave orders that the Elsa's crew try twice their best to get the ship running again and ready for an emergency takeoff, for he strongly felt they would need one. He talked Allen into joining the investigation party, led by Jr. himself. Shion wasn't looking her best, he said, and she could need the extra support.

Then he turned to Canaan, suggesting that the Realian support Jin in the E.S. Reuben. When the other did not show any indication that he had heard, Jr. sensed something amiss and strode across the bridge to where Canaan was leaning with his back against a wall. "What's wrong?"

Seeming to come back to himself, the stoic Realian lifted his head. "I-it's nothing." He pushed away from the wall, coming to attention, "Understood."

But chaos had not missed his old comrade's lapse. And as the others left for the hangar, the silver-haired youth lightly grasped Canaan's wrist and pulled him aside. His eyes held every sincerity as he asked, "You were sending him a report just then, weren't you?"

The Realian turned his gaze aside, but reluctantly nodded his head. "I never used to be aware of doing it," he softly confessed. "But that time… I-I tried to follow; I wanted to know where it led."

"Canaan." chaos moved closer, "Canaan, look at me."

Those stark yellow eyes slowly lifted up, naked hurt in their depths as they focused on the silver-haired youth. chaos bit at his lip, lifting one hand to pass his gloved fingers through the Realian's strange orange hair. Canaan did not flinch away, though some small hint of curiosity flickered behind the hurt in his eyes. "What are you doing?"

"Showing you that you're not alone," chaos answered as softly. He brought up his other hand, now gently cradling the other's jaw before sweeping both gloved palms down the sides of Canaan's neck. The Realian drew in a shuddering breath, catching those hands in his own. But he did not push chaos away, for which the silver-haired youth offered a small smile. "Don't be afraid of him, Canaan. It's never too late to take a stand."

"Never?" The Realian whispered. He dipped his head forth, boldly brushing his lips over chaos' before bringing their mouths together in a truer kiss. chaos accepted him, even allowing himself to be pulled tight against the other's chest as the kiss deepened.

When at last they broke away, Canaan gave a slight flinch, reaching a hand up to rub at the back of his neck. He looked questioningly to chaos, who only wordlessly stepped back, something fisted in the hand he held to his own chest. Their moment was rudely interrupted by a mechanical chime, announcing the arrival of one of the elevators.

"Hey," Jr. called, stepping out of the hangar elevator. "We were looking all over for you two. You ready to go?"

"Yes," Canaan answered, feigning indifference, and quite skillfully too. He stepped forward to join the redhead in the elevator.

chaos lingered for only a moment, tucking a strand of orange within the palm of his glove before following after the Realian.

~o~

Several hours later, in the grand hall of an abandoned cathedral, chaos watched silently as the black Testament mercilessly tormented Ziggy about the pains of his past. His gloved hands fisted the weapon controls of the Asher - not out of anger, but with a deeply felt sorrow that Voyager was only one example of how misguided the human race was becoming. And he pitied his twin for thinking that the only way to end their suffering was to take advantage of that weakness.

"All of you possess the characteristics to become one of us," Voyager was now saying. "He knows that, and has been observing you all this time."

Briefly closing his eyes with a quiet sigh, chaos turned his gaze toward his left, where stood the E.S. Reuben. So. Now was the day. The hour, the moment…

"_He_?" Jr. wondered from the Asher's pilot seat below him. "Observing what?"

Voyager's mouth twisted in a sneer. "Yes. He planted an observational program in a special Realian. Didn't you notice him standing by and watching you for fifteen years?" He, too, turned his head toward the Reuben. "Program Canaan. Or should I say Lactis."

"Lactis?" Ziggy's voice spoke over the Zebulun's frequency speaker. "That's impossible! That was one hundred years ago!" But then it seemed the connection was not so difficult to make after all, for he swerved the Zebulun about to address the Reuben himself. "Canaan, it's you? You're _that_ Lactis?"

chaos bit at his lower lip as the stoic Realian's voice reluctantly answered. "Codename 'Lactis'. I was given that name one hundred years ago to observe both Voyager and you, Captain. And now… I am observing all of you, Rubedo."

"Canaan," Jr. pleaded, disbelieving. "Y-you're kidding, right? There's no way you'd be a spy."

"What he says is true. That's how I'm programmed."

"Don't be so hard on Lactis," the black Testament taunted. "That's what he was made for. Just as you were created to be a weapon, he was created to be an observer."

But the stoic Realian's voice whispered once more over the speakers, "I'm sorry, Rubedo."

"Enough of this, Voyager," Ziggy suddenly exploded. "Why are you doing this? What's the point of making Lactis suffer now?" The Zebulun glided closer to the pedestal upon which their current enemy stood. "Is this why you became a Testament? What's your real objective? Answer me, Erich!"

"I became a Testament to escape the fear of death, and to obtain eternal pleasure. It had nothing to do with you, Jan Sauer. The reason I concern myself with you is extremely simple." He paused significantly, and they stared as his own black E.S. craft suddenly appeared behind him. "I just want to enjoy my eternal life along with you."

He faded away, only to appear again atop the hull of his craft. "One hundred years ago, you ignored my words and ended your own life. That is something I cannot accept."

"Is that the reason why you decided to choose this place?" Ziggy demanded.

"Exactly," Voyager sneered again. "This is the place where the curtain was closed. Now, let's move on to the encore. Except, this time, I will have the pleasure of finishing you off, myself. Just like I did with your son."

"_Erich!_"

~o~

The battle was long, and frustratingly hard-won. Whenever it appeared they had the upper hand, Voyager would surprise them yet again. Finally, Ziggy abandoned the Zebulun to attack the black Testament directly. But Zebulun's was not the only cockpit to fly open; Canaan left the Reuben, dropping to his feet to the stone floor far below. Jr. swore under his breath, swiftly unbuckling his harness and prompting the cockpit of the Asher to pry itself open as well.

chaos was as soundless as a shadow as he dropped to the floor with the redhead, his translucent blue eyes only on Canaan as the not-so-stoic Realian raced across the room where Voyager currently had Ziggy pinned.

"No, Captain, stop!"

Jr. was in hot pursuit - whether of the black Testament, or of Canaan, it was hard to tell. But chaos kept pace with them all, pausing only a short distance away as they watched Ziggy push to his feet. The silver-haired youth was perhaps the only one present who knew no surprise when Canaan abruptly placed himself between Ziggy and Voyager.

Ziggy stared, "Lactis?"

"Please stop, Captain," he repeated more calmly. "You can't win against Erich."

"So your subordinate has to save you, Jan." Voyager laughed, "What a fine captain you make."

"Erich," the Realian interrupted, "I want to make a deal with you."

The black Testament paused, looking upon Canaan with vague interest. "A deal?"

"You became a Testament to conquer the fear of death, right?"

"And what of it," he asked haughtily. "Thanks to his power, I've already conquered it."

"No, you haven't," Canaan softly insisted. "If the one who gave you the power perished, you would face the fear of death again. You yourself haven't changed at all. Don't you see?"

For a moment, it almost seemed as though Voyager was taking his words into consideration. But then he scoffed, "Nonsense. He will never disappear. My life is eternal."

"Do you really think so?" The Realian patiently reasoned, "Can you be certain you will not be betrayed by the one you trust? You're the one who sneered that there was no meaning in such things." When it became obvious that he had truly won the black Testament's curiosity, he pressed on. "Use Program Canaan. My subconscious domain is linked to a specified location to send and receive information. I presume you know where that is."

"The Compass of Order," Voyager answered, almost reluctantly.

"By linking with me," Canaan persuaded, you can directly absorb the power of the Compass. You'll obtain the power of God - how does that sound?"

But then the black Testament's fiery red eyes narrowed, and he suddenly seemed to remember his caution. "What is it you want?"

"Make me one of you."

Voyager wasn't the only one taken aback by those words. Jr. spat a string of profanities, and Ziggy stared at Canaan as though not recognizing the Realian.

Only chaos' expression remained unchanged.

"Lactis," Ziggy pleaded, "what are you saying?"

Canaan's hands fisted at his sides, and the pain in his stark yellow eyes cracked the stoic façade he had long adapted. "No matter what happens, even if I survive here, I am a traitor. I don't want to live on with that sullied label." And, seeming to steel himself, he stepped away from Ziggy and approached the black Testament.

"No wonder you are a specially-designed Realian," Voyager calmly marveled. "I accept your offer. I'll take that power from you." As Canaan closed his eyes and lowered his head, Voyager stretched out one hand, his palm igniting with his own pale energy. The next moment, his mouth spread wide in a triumphant sneer. "I see. So this is his power? With this, I shall become God!"

But then Canaan jerked into motion, eyes flashing brightly as they flew open, and he swiftly reached up to grasp Voyager's wrist with both hands. Voyager gave a shout and tried to pull away, but the Realian braced his feet apart and held tightly on. He spoke, his voice gone rough with the strain of hindering the black Testament's effort to escape. "I guess you couldn't handle this power, Erich. You've touched something that must never be touched. So now, you must face your punishment. For all that you have done."

"Lactis," the other cried out, much pain evident in his own voice. "This is what you intended from the very beginning?"

"I'm afraid you'll have to join me on a journey into phase-space, Erich."

"No!"

But Voyager's protests were futile. His body began to break apart, emitting wisps of black smoke as the pieces faded. And Canaan's own body faded with it, slowly, the process starting at his feet and working its way up.

"Let go," Ziggy suddenly shouted. "Lactis! There's no need for you to sacrifice yourself. You won't be able to come back. Your very existence will perish!"

"I know, Captain," the Realian readily responded. "It's all right. I don't want to see anyone else I care about die before my eyes." He turned his head, pinning Ziggy with eyes that were swiftly losing their bio-electronic glow. "I didn't exist just to watch you die, and I don't want to exist only to betray you." Then those eyes swung their dwindling focus upon a certain silver-haired youth, and he added, "I truly want… another reason to exist. I want to protect… every one of us…" His eyes flashed once more, and then quite suddenly he and Voyager had gone.

~o~

There was another flash of light, from a completely different direction this time, and both Jr. and Ziggy turned to find chaos engulfed in a bright white aura. His gloves had been discarded, laying on the floor by his feet, and he seemed to be fisting something in both hands toward his chest. Crystalline tears streamed from his translucent blue eyes, which were eerily glowing.

Closing his eyes, he tipped his head back with a great sigh. The aura surrounding his body pushed outward, allowing a brief glimpse of feathery white wings before dimming altogether. In its place was a wavering white silhouette, which blurred into solidity as it gained form and color. Suddenly a third hand was resting against chaos' chest beneath the silver-haired youth's own palms, and a strong arm circled around chaos' back just as his legs threatened to give out from beneath him.

Shaking his head to clear it, chaos opened his eyes. Warm amber yellow eyes gazed down at him with much concern. He offered an apologetic smile, lifting one hand to pass his fingers through strands of vibrant orange ginger. "If only it had been me," he whispered, returning the shared secret of the other's plea. "And now it _is_ by your own will." Then his eyelids grew heavy, and his head lulled against the other's chest.

"chaos!" Jr. shouted, as he and Ziggy raced over.

"He's all right," Canaan softly assured, lifting the silver-haired youth up in his arms. He turned, and Jr. was not the only one staring at the Realian's new form. "Rubedo," the ex-Realian spoke again. "I won't ask your forgiveness. But would you mind assisting Captain Uzuki with the E.S. Reuben, while I take over the piloting of the Asher? I won't feel right if I left chaos alone just now."

"S-sure," Jr. stammered. But then he seemed to recover himself, even giving one of his customary smirks. "The logic drive's been updated a bit since the last time you'd handled it, but you should do fine."

Canaan's amber yellow eyes looked again at the one in his arms, and it was uncertain whom he addressed as he murmured quite sincerely, "Thank you…"

~o~

When their investigation had taken them where E.S. crafts could not venture, they made ready to go the rest of the way on foot. Canaan unfastened his harness, bracing his feet upon the pilot seat's small platforms as he stood and turned around. Higher up and behind him was the seat for the weapons console. Very carefully he worked that harness free as well, and then he pulled himself up closer to lightly pass the backs of his fingers along the side of his companion's face.

chaos gave a soft whimper as he stirred, finally blinking his eyes open. He looked at the ex-Realian for a moment, his mouth tilting in a slow smile. Then his translucent blue gaze took in their surroundings, studying the metal-sheeted corridor before returning their focus upon Canaan. "Where are we?"

"Deep underneath the cathedral," the other replied as softly. "Captain Uzuki was confronted by Margulis, whom he defeated, and now we're following Shion, who seems to know where our next destination might be." He cocked his head back, indicating something behind his own shoulder. "There's a lift. Beyond that, what appears to be a tunnel of light."

"So Kevin is already trying to lure Shion in," chaos nodded.

"How is it that she can't see their trap?"

The silver-haired youth gave a sad smile. "It's human nature to ignore such things for the chance to reclaim a lost love. Especially one so desperate to be reclaimed." He lifted his hand, passing his fingers through the other's vibrant orange strands.

Canaan accepted the touch, leaning his cheek into chaos' gloved palm. He felt for the first time the bitter sting of tears, and he closed his eyes in an attempt to hold them at bay. "I don't understand it…"

"You don't need to," chaos' gentle voice comforted. "I don't even think those who experience it could ever fully understand."

The ex-Realian caught chaos' hand in his own. "No," he whispered, opening his eyes to pin the silver-haired youth under his warm amber gaze. "I mean, I don't understand _this_. What are we doing, chaos? Why do I feel…" He took a breath, searching for the word. "_Halved_, when you're not touching me like this?"

Biting at his lower lip, chaos sat up and brushed his lips over Canaan's in a feathery light kiss. "In four thousand years, humanity has still failed to break down and define the wonder of what I carry now in my heart for you. Your body - your pulse, your very skin - _you_ react this way when I touch you, because you feel it too."

~o~

chaos' prediction had come true. After following the tunnel of light, and then awakening the soul hidden within KOS-MOS, Shion had found her way again to her lost love. Kevin had convinced Shion to abandon her friends for the memory of their love - a lost treasure he knew they might claim again.

Jr. and even the cool and collected Jin were both quite furious at his betrayal. Neither hesitated to threaten Kevin and even Shion with force if their all-important mission was to be hindered. Amazingly, it was the shy and placatory Allen who boldly talked down to Kevin, reasoning that the Testaments, for all their power, were little more than cowards running from their fear of failure and lack of resolve.

Allen Ridgley, a man who had long harbored a secret love or the one woman who had never cared to look for it, at last took his stand to protect her and the cause behind their mission. And Kevin, the red Testament, tested him severely, throwing shocks of fiery electric power that quite literally threw Allen off his feet. But Allen, bruised and bloody, would achingly regain his feet and meet the red Testament's gaze with more resolve than any had ever expected of him.

It was with that resolve that he and KOS-MOS managed to convince Shion Uzuki where her true loyalty lay.

~o~

Kevin, having failed to acquire Shion's key, was ordered to return to Wilhelm's side. And Wilhelm, when they confronted him at long last, attempted to use force to activate Shion's key. Yet it seemed Kevin, too, had abruptly remembered the strength of his own heart. For upon witnessing Shion's suffering and then sharing it firsthand through Wilhelm's power, he broke free and betrayed Wilhelm to protect her.

Far across the room, where Jr. and the others were pinned to the floor by more of Wilhelm's power, chaos turned his head to the side and reached out with his hand. His gloved fingers closed over Canaan's fist. Warm amber eyes swung around, and their gazes met. chaos offered a reassuring smile, knowing the other would understand what must come next. A long moment passed before Canaan slowly nodded.

"Humans," Wilhelm could be heard to remark from so far away, though his soft voice never lifted above a whisper. "Mere _humans_ are rejecting me? Impossible. It is unthinkable. They don't understand how precarious this universe is. This… frail world standing on a thin thread… If that balance is tipped, everything will be lost."

Sighing, knowing only sorrow that his twin had become so misguided, chaos bade his body to resist the power pinning it down and pushed up to his hands and knees.

"_We're_ the ones who don't understand," Kevin insisted. "They are trying to walk their own path, under their own power. They're saying they will walk across that thread with full knowledge of what it means."

There was a brief pause, after which Wilhelm's voice seemed tinged with regret as he argued, "They'll never be able to do that…"

"I think it's possible."

Wilhelm's wine-red eyes darted across the room, where chaos was standing strongly, despite the pull of power still crackling under his feet. The gloved fingers of one hand were tightly embracing the hand of the one who stood at his side. Canaan was ignoring his former master, having only eyes for his new creator.

Wilhelm regarded chaos with much surprise - it seemed his younger twin had been breaking quite a number of rules in his journey to self-discovery. "Yeshua," he greeted, calling the other by his true name. "I didn't expect to hear you say something like that."

"This world is more flexible than you think," chaos softly replied. "Even as we speak, ripples are spreading throughout the entire universe."

Wilhelm's eyes widened. "Are you saying you're going to release your power?" He shook his head, unbelieving. His twin could _not_ have found the answer already…? But that would mean that _he_, himself… was… "You're a failsafe," he carefully argued, not yet daring to hope. "Implanted in this universe. If you release your power, there'll be more to worry about than just ripples. And besides," he added, suddenly feeling a need to explain. "It's too late now to suppress their wills."

"If it was only me, that would be true." Those translucent blue eyes held much meaning, before glancing to the ginger-haired human at his side. "But I'm not by myself."

"I see," Wilhelm responded, and at last he did. In his beloved twin's beautiful blue eyes, he could suddenly see the answers he had been missing. "Are you saying you've come here to challenge your own fate? That's… a fascinating decision…" A crashing noise far above their heads distracted him, and Wilhelm's wine-red eyes flicked upward for an instant before returning their regretful gaze upon the only one to see him for himself. "Unfortunately, it looks like you're a little late."

~o~

Zarathustra had gone out of control. Distantly, they could hear Abel, its very young and strongly autistic pilot, screaming in fright. Jr. led Ziggy and Jin in a frontal assault to disable the mechanism in an attempt to save the boy and the universe as they knew it. Canaan stood back with chaos, fist grasping his thermal dagger. Beside him, the silver-haired youth kept careful watch over those of his companions that were fighting. Whenever it was needed, chaos did not hesitate to tap into what little power he had left to heal or revitalize Jr. and his team. Their efforts were strong, and constant, and - thanks to chaos's diligence - never wavering.

It was a long and demanding battle, challenging their skills and their strategic timing. Only when it had come to an end did Abel's screaming suddenly cut off. chaos sent a fervent wish outward, calling to wherever Nephilim was hiding - Zarathustra was self-destructing, and Abel had passed out from an overdose of frightening excitement. The boy would need her help to escape; he was far too important to lose, and he _was_ just a child, besides. Feeling her whispered assurance that she would steal the boy away from the danger, chaos sighed a sigh of relief. He turned his eyes once more upon his twin.

Wilhelm met chaos' gaze from afar. "Do you understand what you're doing, Yeshua?" He asked, barely above a whisper. "Abel's controlled by the system, and I'm the operator." He took a slow breath. His power was draining rather swiftly, now; he had to concentrate simply to hold on to his human shell. "If I should suddenly somehow vanish," he went on in warning, "this world and the universe will-"

"You may be right," chaos allowed. He bit at his lower lip, and crystalline tears were streaming from his translucent blue eyes. "But I want to believe, in the light of human beings' will."

Wilhelm nodded. "Very well, then. Is that your answer?" His own wine-red eyes stung wetly, and he sighed, tilting his head back as he gave in to his body's call to return home. As he slowly faded, he felt his mouth curve in a small but fond smile. "That does sound like you… Yeshua…"

After his twin had gone, chaos turned and buried his face into Canaan's chest. The ginger-haired ex-Realian accepted him, arms wrapping strongly around his back to pull him into their embrace.

**The End**


End file.
